When I told Nathan I was going to make my summer reading list out of banned books,

he looked at me kind of funny and said, "Band books?" What can I say? He knows me well. We both love music, but we both know books about bands are mainly crap written by superfans and are often subtitled, "The Unauthorized Biography" as in "Thom York Rocks: The Unauthorized Biography." Very meh.



What happened was this: As I was making my summer reading list, I realized that several of the titles I listed had been banned/censored/challenged over the years, so I thought... why not make my summer reading list of banned books? That could be interesting. Just to read and see what someone else might have found offensive or objectionable.



I started with Gone With the Wind, which I've always wanted to read. Which is 3000 pages long. So that was basically the only book I read this summer.



And without giving you any spoilers, I can say that I thoroughly enjoyed it. Until the last fifteen pages. If you've read it and you want to chat about how infuriating and wrong the whole thing is, let me know. We can grab a cup of coffee and chat about how the ending goes down.

Anyway, I've decided to continue this reading of banned books for the year.
Right now I'm reading In Cold Blood and The Handmaid's Tale. Both fantastic so far.

In my searches for books that have been banned and/or challenged over the years, I found quite an extensive list:
The Color Purple
Little Women
Harry Potter (I read the first one years ago, so I think I'll continue with the second.)
The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian
East of Eden
July's People
America
Mockingjay
Flowers in the Attic
A Day No Pigs Would Die
Rabbit, Run
Invisible Man
Steal This Book
Running with Scissors
The Sun Also Rises
Dubliners
Catch-22
Slaughterhouse Five
Stranger in a Strange Land
Olive's Ocean
Speak
A Prayer for Owen Meany
Sophie's Choice
How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents
How to Eat Fried Worms
100 Years of Solitude
Then Again, Maybe I Won't
The Bean Trees
Cut
Carrie
Go Ask Alice
Pillars of the Earth
Doctor Zhivago
Crank
Harriet the Spy
Beloved
Native Son
A Series of Unfortunate Events
Grapes of Wrath

Have you read any of these titles? Which did you like?

Really, there are no accidents.

Really, Canada? Really?



Just in case you wondered what a Public Service Announcement in Canada is like. Ours are usually about the danger of drugs or the importance of literacy.

To submit to Lamebook, or not to submit?

Do you all know about Lamebook? A friend from work first told me about it when we were internet deprived at a training this summer, and while it's often raunchy and completely offensive, it's also sort of shocking in a trainwreck way. Like that Housewives of New Jersey show.


(Don't you get the distinct impression that they photographed them one by one and them shopped them together, because they'd never actually stand that close to each other without ripping each other's hair out? But I digress.)

Today, an old friend posted a Facebook status about her children's poo. It included information from not just one of her children's poo, but both of their poo. It was gross. It was shocking. It was borderline-fecophiliac. And sure, it was an overview of events that actually took place, but does that make it OK to post on FB?

Now I'm torn because the post itself is perfect for Lamebook. And if she's willing to share her story, shouldn't others out there benefit from its foulness? This is really a philosophical question for the social media age.



In the meantime, I'd like to propose
A couple recommended guidelines in regard to Facebook status posting:

1. Save the stories about children's (or adult) bodily functions for the doctor. We've all seen the book Everybody Poops, and it works best as a generalization, not a detailed account.

2. After more than two alcoholic beverages, refrain from posting anything to FB, period. Your inner concept of what is funny and what is depressing may be askew. Wait until the morning. While we're at it, step away from any phone, texting device, or camera.

3. Unless the goal is to stir things up, avoid the topics your mama said to avoid on a first date: money, politics, religion.

4. Read the entire status update out loud-- can it be read without gasping for breath? If not, it's probably too long.

5. Save the "LOL"s for an IM conversation.

I'm sure there are other good rules for writing FB status updates. Please comment, if you want, so we can add to them. For everyone's sake!



P.S. As of now, I haven't submitted my old friend's horrific status to Lamebook. What do you think? Would you submit it, if you were in my place?

These signs made me giggle.

How is it only Wednesday?
This week has been really long, and I can't put my finger on why. Hope you're surviving...

The Twilight Phenomenon

There are tons of different kinds of writers. And at least twice as many kinds of readers. And since the invention of the printing press, readers have not denied how much they enjoy pulp fiction. Hey-- I love a good guilty pleasure as much as the next reader.

So, when I first heard about Twilight, I thought, fine. Fun. But I've got to admit, I thought flash in the pan. That was 2006. Now it's 2010, and over 17 million copies have been sold. That's one formidable flash in the pan.



Then I read the first book. Because who was I to judge?
Well, after reading it, I can tell you. I am to judge. Because the book is terrible, guys. The flat characterization. The heavy-handed storytelling. I can't enjoy it on a guilty pleasure level, because it's just that bad. It's the first title I rated 1 star on Goodreads. But no one else seems to agree with me. No one.

Here's me, yelling.
Me: Hello! (Echo: hello. hello.)
Anyone out there? (out there. out there.)
Am I the ONLY one who thinks Twilight is terrible? (No response.)



The other thing is, this book isn't only loved by swoony teens, oh no. The Twilight Moms have taken over. And they're terrifying. Because they can, you know, vote. They drive cars. They have power, you guys. They run the freakin PTA.



What's going on? I can't tell you how many of my teacher and writer friends (who I totally respect, by the way) have partaken of the Twilight Kool-aid. It's out of control.

Even if the madness is no where near stopping (seeing as we still have another movie or two I think?) can someone please explain what's going on? It's like the emperor has no pulse. And also, he can't go out in direct sunlight or his skin will look like diamonds.

I'd put a message in a bottle, but I think my cries for help might fall on deaf ears.

You're not going to believe this, but graphs can be funny.

To justify my assertion, I'd like to share twelve examples-- all from Graph Jam.


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs




see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs

Mommy, what is Fernando doing to that...shoe?

My hilarious aunt posted this video.


Don't you feel a little sad for the tortoise here? I mean for all we know, the little guy may be thinking this experience will lead to a meaningful relationship. But no. That gray Croc is not going to return his calls.

I thought this was a unique story of star-crossed accessory/reptile love, but no.
Youtube has video upon video of tortoise-on-shoe porn.

This raises some important questions...
If a turtle or tortoise approached your shoe, would you reject the little fella, or let him carry on with his amorous intentions? What if you were still wearing the shoe?
Funny, or just heartbreaking?
I guess it depends on if you're the videographer, the tortoise, or the shoe.

I used to think that 5'5" was the perfect height.

It sounds good, right? Five five.
I'm 5'4".

But I discovered in the meantime that there are a lot of fabulous ladies who share my height.

Queen Elizabeth


Claudette Colbert


Sarah Jessica Parker (She's been my imaginary BFF for years.)


Mae West


Elizabeth Taylor


Ginger Rogers


You can find out who else sees the world from your point of view (quite literally) here and here.
You can also see a visual comparison of your height with others here. Fun!

Sometimes I need a pep talk to get out of bed in the morning.

While many pharmaceutical companies might have me believe that I suffer from depression, I know that, like most people, I just sometimes need a little pep talk.

I think we can all learn some things about positive self-talk from Jessica.



Thanks, Jessica!

Age before beauty

You guys, I started blogging in 2002. Eight years ago!
I'm not saying I didn't take months off at a time, but in blog years, this is the age of Pixiespace:



That said, I only recently changed my template,
updated the format so I could have followers,
and really got into trying to post every day.

So this is how old my blog feels:



I lied. It actually feels even younger.



OK, OK.



This is literally the Benjamin Buttons Blog.

It stands to reason that (fingers crossed) blogging will be around forever. Or, you know, at least until the Olsen twins are this old:



Happy Blogging-- and remember:
Your blog is only as old as you feel.

Growing up, I was a terrible speller.

I never, never would have won a spelling bee back in middle school, that's for sure.

Over the years, my crap spelling improved. Mainly because I'm a voracious reader (I just spelled voracious right the first time, I swear) and also because of www.dictionary.com which politely suggests the word you might be trying to spell, even if you're waaaay off.

Luckily, though, my poor spelling never put anyone's life in danger.

I'd rather be called a bitch than a nerd.

Today I honed in on my trigger word: nerd.

I said something silly today to a coworker and she walked out of my office, laughing. Then she threw a word over her shoulder, "Nerd."
My smile drooped. I felt sad and well, nerdy.
I probably wouldn't have even stopped to think about it, except the same thing happened to me a couple months back on Facebook! An old friend from elementary school wrote on my wall, "You're still a nerd."
OK, yes, she wrote it in response to my claim that if Jane Austen were alive today, she'd totally be my BFF. I suppose that may have been asking for it, but it still made me feel kind of bad and like I was the last one picked for teams at kickball or something (which I always was, by the way).

In school, the number one word I was called was "nerd." I heard it at least once every single day circa fifth to ninth grade. Sometimes it was me who was using the word. But it's still a label. Other labels that flew around in the air on a regular basis were: fat, stupid, ugly, slut. Plus many others. You may remember them. By all accounts, the word "nerd" isn't so bad at all. It just so happens it's the one that was directed at me and the one I maybe even labeled myself. Weird.

After thinking through these awkward leftover middle school feelings, I decided to just own it. Be a nerd! Take the word back. Now I just need to get this shirt to complete my moving forward process.

Work coffee etiquette

I realize Emily Post never wrote about how to approach the conventions of coffee at work. But I work with a person (known henceforward as Ms. Aardvark) who really doesn't know the first thing about the social rules of the shared coffee pot.

Exhibit A:


As you can clearly read, you must wait until the coffee is finished brewing before you remove the carafe. Perhaps Wonder Woman or some superhero equipped with superfast speed and agility would be able to remove the carafe, pour a cup of coffee, and replace it before any coffee dripped out and got cauterized on the two-dollar burner. Unfortunately, you, Ms. Aardvark, do not possess those powers. You do, however, have the ability to read. And the signage is clear and concise. You wouldn't choose to ignore it day after day, would you, Ms. Aardvark?

I'd also like to draw your attention to a common container for coffee:



You may also be familiar with this variety, used often when traveling from one place to another:



Some people even choose to use this type of container for coffee, when they want to have a large amount:



You could realistically bring any one of these containers into my room to retrieve some coffee for yourself.

(Although I would accuse you of bogarting if you used the thermos.
And I'd be right.)

What you wouldn't use, Ms. Aardvark, would be a plastic shaker like this:



These containers are typically used for mixing salad dressing, or... well, they're mostly used for salad dressing.

Furthermore, you wouldn't pour the coffee into the salad dressing shaker through the pour spout, causing everyone to wonder if the pour spout were clean, or if you'd in fact, just used it as a sippy cup and thus, spread your germs to everyone in the office.

You wouldn't commit these hideous offenses, would you, Ms. Aardvark?

Oh yes. Yes, you would.